Friday, April 24, 2009

There Will Be Brad

Excerpt from the Brad entry on Wikipedia (a division of Braddax Systems):

Brad Truax, an Introduction.

Re-forged sometime in the 1970's, but spoken of for untold millennia prior, Brad Truax is the ultimate holy weapon bequeathed to the people of Earth by Ur-God Zoroaster. A portent of bountiful harvests in some cultures, and a bellwether of utter annihilation to the un-seasoned, Brad is one of the most pivotal, and controversial, figures in the history of the Universe.

Origins (As Man Has Come to Understand Them, Feebly, As Mice)

Though Brad-like figures appear at all stages of the human archaeological record, from the earliest oral histories to the cults of the modern day, efforts to place Brad on the human timeline have proven to be FUCKIN' difficult for many scholars. It is now widely held among the cognoscenti that Brad was "born" (a more appropriate term would be "actualized") in the unknowable hell-flames of a now-collapsed pillar of the Eagle Nebula, to which the legends say Brad replied "Too easy, hellflames, boring, g'day." He then invented the skateboard and rode with Mitochondrial Eve to East Africa, thus beginning the story of humanity as we know it today. (See "Missing Link" for more information on this incarnation of Brad)

Truaxologists hold these truths to be self evident (a phrase coined by Brad and co-opted by Thomas Jefferson after hearing Brad say it at a DJ set in Philadelphia in spring 1776) - and while there is much agreement among scholars that the Hand of Brad is observable in all things, few can pinpoint His exact arrivals and departures from this spectral plane over the billions of years he has been gracing it with his holy form.  A narrative of Brad's innumerable forms and dramas on this lonesome planet has begun to emerge, with the help of the current Dalai Lama and cuneiform records excavated from the tombs of the three kings of Pangaea.  The country of Bhutan is the pleasure garden of the incarnations of the Brad-being.

The Pre-Hellenic Lord-God-Brad
(See also: Philosophy, Joy, Maya CivilizationGravity, and Music; all basic Brad inventions)


1 comment:

  1. Is it significant that, as far as I can tell, there has been no 'Brad' who has left his mark as singer, writer, poet, or artist? Is it something in the name that limits one - in famous terms - to either actor or standup comedian? There is something harsh and germanic sounding about Brads - stuff born from a rock or a hard wheaty loaf.